BONA, derived from the Zulu greeting to a multitude of people, 'Sanibona' - directly translated as 'we see you' - forms the premise of this publication, by Tebo Mpanza
February often gets us thinking about relationships, doesn’t it? I’ve been reflecting on adult friendships lately. Maybe we can start there. A few weeks ago, a friend texted me out of the blue, asking to catch up later that evening. It felt sudden, and to be honest, it caught me off guard. The conversation turned to an old friendship of mine, one that faded years ago. They wanted to know what happened, and the truth is, I’m still not entirely sure.
The situation was complicated—we had shared commitments, circumstances changed, and things were left unsaid. I just remember feeling rejected, like I had failed. And then that familiar thought crept in: I would never have done that. But who am I to say what I would or wouldn’t have done in their shoes? In a situation that required difficult decisions? I’m older now, I know better than to make it about me.
I’ve had friendship breakups. Not many, but they’re different. There’s no script for how to grieve them, no social permission to process the loss. But the grief is real. It’s the loss of shared memories, the inside jokes, the deep understanding you once shared. And the silence? That can feel messy and unresolved.
Not every friendship is meant to last forever. But that doesn’t mean they didn’t matter. The late-night conversations, the laughs that gave you a stitch, the moments when they showed up for you—they’re all still part of your story.
Sometimes, friendships end because values no longer align. My younger brother, Thato, has been teaching me this lately. Other times, life circumstances—distance, relationships, careers—pull us apart. And sometimes, unresolved conflict wedges its way in, and we just stop talking. But even when a friendship no longer fits, it doesn’t erase the way it shaped us.
Navigating friendships as an adult can be complicated. You have to be mature, realistic, and accepting. Life gets busier, priorities shift, and the space we have to nurture relationships shrinks. We’re not at university anymore, where friendships formed in two hours, not two years.
One of the things I’ve noticed is some of us haven’t made new friends in years. Not because we don’t want to, but perhaps we’ve lost the courage—or the skills—to try. Making friends as an adult requires effort, and more than that, vulnerability. It means stepping out to build relationships that stretch your worldview, sharpen your character, and push you to grow. These days, I’m not sure everyone wants to do that, and maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s okay that we don’t check in like we used to. Maybe it’s okay that we don’t comment on the story or use our words anymore. Maybe it’s okay. Maybe.
But the hardest part of adult friendships? The silence. The unanswered texts. The slow realisation that the dynamic has shifted. It always feels personal, even when it’s not.
If you’re asking me—and you’re probably not—I’d say, build deep, not wide. When you’re younger, having lots of friends feels like the goal, but the crowd can be fickle. Depth beats breadth every time. Let’s be honest though, depth is hard—surface-level connections are easier, aren’t they? Still, I’d say: build with the future in mind. Honour what was. Don’t shut down when it’s hard.
Good friendships hold us accountable. They call us out when we’re slipping, when we’re not at our best. They challenge us to show up better. When I’m gaining weight, losing my edge, or falling into pessimism, say something. If you don’t, and we’re friends, who else will?
"Depth beats breadth every time. Let’s be honest though, depth is hard"... Choose your hard?
I wonder though, how hard depth is when you genuinely care.